There's a quiet murmur, considering Emet-Selch's words.
"Perhaps. Perhaps the question is better phrased differently. Do I still deserve your love?"
He looks up at Hades with a resignation in his eyes that doesn't suit him. As if he expects violent disgust.
"I have known you since we were children, and yet I could not begin to imagine how you would react. So I suppose there is naught to do but to confess, and see for myself."
There's a long pause, long enough that Hades could be forgiven for thinking he'd dropped it.
"A while back, a friend of mine was publicly whipped for the grievous crime of not handing out flowers. I cleaned him up as best as I could... and handed him off to another friend of ours. The next night, she and I... we found the SIN Guard responsible for the whippings. Fuelled by naught more than righteous anger, we took his life."
He looks a little nauseous even recounting it.
"I am an accomplice to murder, and though I did not lay a hand upon him I know the killing could not have happened without my help. She says we did good, that he would have harmed more. I can still see his face, regardless. Just a man... a cowardly, violent man but a man nonetheless."
"Deserve?" Emet-Selch frowns, ignoring the pang in his chest. He knows, most certainly, he's probably done things that Hythlodaeus should hate him for. The other way around, though? He can scarce imagine, even with all the concerns he's had of late. Violent disgust isn't what Hythlodaeus' gaze is met with. It's more strong curiosity, a bit of concern.
"I have loved you for a thousand, thousand years, through the end of the world and then some. Why would that change now?"
He stops though, allowing Hythlodaeus to tell his story. He can clearly read that his oldest friend and lover is bothered by what he did, and yet that cold part of Hades, that grew from eons of trying to repair a broken, ugly world of equally broken souls, fills with anger. Not at Hythlodaeus but at this friend. Who could possibly be so important to Hythlodaeus that he would be drawn to kill?
"You were an accomplice to murder? For something so small?" He holds his tongue from saying for someone so small, but Hythlodaeus knows him well enough that he could potentially infer that. Of course terrible things happened in this city every day, and of course they would like to burn it from the inside out, but why was this what pushed him?
Emet-Selch takes a moment to push his own selfish feelings out of the way. "Of course I still love you. But I never wanted this for you. This is not you, Hythlodaeus."
"It wasn't small, Hades. You didn't see it. You didn't see the glee on that man's face as he hurt someone. Someone I care for. The injustice of this city gnaws at me, eats away at me every day. That day, it was just... too much."
His voice is small as he finishes, but he can't deny that he's relieved to hear that Emet-Selch still loves him. Even as he's berated for his actions... which he rightfully deserves.
"It isn't me. I know. I was angry, and I have been angry. Goodness, but if it had been you he harmed, I would have killed the man on the spot, with my own hands."
But maybe that isn't so odd. Even without the city weighing on him every day, he thinks his kneejerk reaction would be to defend Emet-Selch every time. Only, he thinks he usually would have resorted to distractions and escaping, not full blown murder.
"I don't need to see it. It's been that way since we arrived." It may sound a bit callous of him, but he truly doesn't care about some stranger's punishment for not adhering to the city's ridiculous rules. He's fully concerned with Hythlodaeus and Hythlodaeus alone.
He nods, slowly. "You have been angry. And I understand all too well, I simply wish I could help you." He sees it in his lover every day, pushing his own despair down to do anything he can to keep Hythlodaeus from going completely cold. "But it was not me. Who was it...? Who have you come to care for so deeply that you would take a life?"
It's no small thing, extinguishing life. They 'erased' concepts all the time of course, but this is different.
"I don't know that you can do anything, short of confessing. Or turning the actual murderer in." But he highly doubts that's an option on the table, so he continues. "You aren't just suddenly a monster, Hythlodaeus. It's very clear that you feel remorse for it. If you did not, you would be on the same level as the residents of this city."
He doesn't want Chris to know what Hythlodaeus did for him, because he doesn't want to lose him. And he doesn't want Emet-Selch telling him! It's selfish of him though, and he knows that. He instead considers the options that Emet-Selch offers him.
"She has already been dealt with by the guards for getting caught murdering a second SIN Guard. I wouldn't turn her in anyway. But as she's been caught, I suppose... perhaps I should turn myself in."
Who knows what they'd do to him, as a Submissive. But maybe he'd feel less... incredibly guilty.
"I don't know... I watched a man die, Hades. Saw the life fade from his eyes. I was the last thing he saw. Surely the fact that I've gotten away with it is wrong?"
Emet-Selch makes note of the fact that Hythlodaeus doesn't tell him who his accomplice was, and that he referred to them as she. It's enough to go off of for now, he'll file it away for later.
"If she has been dealt with, then fine. I will not allow you to turn yourself in." Despite having suggested it, he would never let that kind of thing happen. Having Hythlodaeus harmed is the last thing he wants, and definitely not the solution to any of their problems. "You did not do the killing yourself. That's good." That means there's surely hope for things. "You can find atonement in other ways. I will support you, no matter what."
He frowns slightly, more with concern than anything. "I know that it is not easy. Especially if he had a soul. But you're stronger than I have ever been, I have faith in you."
Hythlodaeus wonders how he could possibly atone for murder- even if he's only an accomplice.
"Atone how?"
He buries his face into his lover and breathes him in. He's soothing. He can think better like this.
Pain and humiliation would be the city's go to for punishment. But he realises that he's already faced that, and feels no better for it. Maybe he truly deserved everything Jouno gave him. And... maybe he should tell Hades about it, finally. He's hidden too much from his love, and that can't be the new normal in their relationship.
"There is something else I must speak with you about."
He looks up at Emet-Selch, squeezing his arm.
"I appear to have made an enemy out of another SIN Guard here."
"I don't know that I can answer that for you," he frowns, "I simply will not allow you to endure punishment from this place." He doesn't care what the crime was, they won't lay a hand on Hythlodaeus as far as he's concerned. Whoever the woman with him was, she's the guiltier party. She did the actual killing. He'll just keep telling himself that. Hythlodaeus wouldn't-
He brings an arm up to hold Hythlodaeus gently, trying to hide how upset he is about all this revelation... especially once he hears that there's even more to say.
"You what?" He narrows his eyes slightly. "Who? And why ..."
He won't deny he doesn't feel the spike of pain in his chest knowing that Hythlodaeus has been keeping some things to himself, but again he tames it down, focusing purely on his lover.
He winces a little as Emet-Selch narrows his eyes, but continues.
"I never got his name. 'Tis something I failed to ask amidst all that happened. I confess, it was all because I was rude to him."
He sighs.
"After the flogging of my friend, I was... angry. So I pushed past a SIN Guard. He gave me a citation after some back and forth... I thought we were done. Alas, we were not."
He meets Emet-Selch's eyes, feeling terrible when he sees the pain in them. But he knows Emet-Selch won't allow him to stop now.
"At the booths for Valentione's Day, I was working there- I was only roped into kissing others, for the most part. The guard came by with a drink and told me I seemed thirsty, and I believed he was remorseful for our altercation. I drank it. It... was spiked. I know- I should have known."
He still fully believes that Jouno did it on purpose.
"Some time later, G'raha and Alphinaud found me inside the booth. He'd cut me and my clothing, humiliated me, beaten me and broken my wrist. He'd used his special device to nullify my powers so that I couldn't even heal myself. I didn't want you to see me in such a state and I was incapable of teleporting anyway, and so... I hid inside the booth."
Hades' displeasure is more than apparent on his face as he listens. He gives a nod as though that will encourage Hythlodaeus to keep going, despite both of them knowing of the rage burning within him.
"The Scions found you. You—" He stops himself, going over everything in his head, difficult though it is in the moment. "Hythlodaeus tell me truthfully. Do you truly not know his identity, or are you trying to protect me?" He knows he wouldn't be trying to protect this stain upon the earth, but he might try to prevent Emet-Selch from doing anything rash, the way he won't tell him who some of his friends are.
His heart feels heavy and broken as he takes Hythlodaeus' face in his hands. "I ... I am so sorry, Hythlodaeus. I am doing a poor job of protecting you. I can't ... I can't do anything. I am losing you ..." To the anger, to the city, to this place and the meaningless people within ...
They both already know he doesn't want that. He wants Hythlodaeus to remain true, and good, above all else. If he has to stain his hands again and again to accomplish this, he will. He won't watch the man he loves break as so many others have broken on him before. "I told you ... you must not let them win." He doesn't want Hythlodaeus to believe that killing someone is the answer. At the same time, how hypocritical of him that he imagines ripping this SIN guard limb from limb as they speak. "More than that, I cannot let this stand. I will not. They will pay!"
He shakes his head. Yes, he could have mentioned the obvious: Jouno is blind. But that makes him a dead giveaway, doesn't it?
"I truly do not know his name, this I swear to you."
But seeing that broken look on Emet-Selch's face, he almost wishes he'd kept quiet. He was expecting the anger that follows, but it doesn't seem to bother him in the slightest in comparison to that sadness.
"No, love, do not think that way. I did not tell you for petty revenge. I told you because I don't want to hide anything else from you."
Pulling his lover close, he buries his face into his neck.
"Pray do not look at me so... you are not losing me. I am here, I am doing what I must by telling you the truth. But without you I shall surely be lost, and you cannot be here for me if you do something rash! Do not soil your hands with the likes of him, Hades."
What's wrong with mentioning the obvious? This guard clearly deserves to be the one punished. Emet-Selch will find out who he is one way or another. He looks disappointed that Hythlodaeus can't supply him with a name, but nods in understanding.
"There will be nothing petty about this. What's petty is what he did to you."
His anger can probably still be felt, flushing through his veins even as he takes Hythlodaeus into his arms. "I do not want you to hide things from me either. I have never wanted that." And it does hurt to know that Hythlodaeus has done it. In fairness, it's not like he can completely explain all 12,000 years of his existence while Hythlodaeus was a part of Zodiark, either. But still. He would if he could.
"I can't help but feel that I am. I despise this place, and I despise every person who dares try and take you from me." He answers quietly, sadly. "I cannot simply fold my hands behind my back, Hythlodaeus! If nothing is done, this guard will believe he has free reign to do whatever he likes, whenever he likes."
"What is your solution?" He's genuinely curious, pulling back slightly to watch Emet-Selch but keeping his arms around his shoulders.
"He was brought here the same as us. Killing him is useless- he would return and seek revenge. Whether that revenge would be isolated to you, or the people you care for, I cannot say. What if he finds out we're contracted? What if he finds out how close we are to Hermes?"
He's possibly giving Jouno too much credit here, but he's also just trying to keep Emet-Selch from perpetuating the cycle.
“I would kill him again and again if only to vent the anger I feel now.” He replies easily, his eyes a bit distant and cold just for a moment. “But no. I will simply give him a message. A message that he is never to lay a hand on you again. Let him find out we are contracted, and he shall know that I have forever marked his soul as one worthy of my ire.” Even in their ancient times of paradise, Hades was a severe sort of man. That has only grown a hundred fold since the Sundering and everything since. Perhaps he will not burst into flame the way Lahabrea would, but he is not one to anger lightly. And now he’s desperate to keep Hermes and Hythlodaeus’ goodness preserved forever.
He looks at Hythlodaeus, shaking his head. “We need not lie back and do nothing all the time. Let me do this. Let me protect you the way I know I can.” He leans forward, closing his eyes as he rests his head against Hythlodaeus’.
He really doesn't like the idea of Hades potentially getting hurt for him. But he can see he won't be swayed. Trying to stop him at this point is futile, so he kisses Hades softly before speaking again.
"...He is blind, the one who harmed me. I spoke true when I said I did not know his name, but there aren't many blind SIN Guards, I'm sure. His hair is white, tipped with red."
Hythlodaeus presses a kiss to Emet-Selch's forehead.
"I'm not going to send you after him like an attack dog. I still pray you do not seek him out. But if you see him, you will know him. And you will know to be wary."
Emet-Selch feels confident enough that he's not about to be hurt in the first place. Perhaps the city would punish him, but he doesn't even care about something like that as long as his message gets through to this miserable guard. Imagine willingly working for this place anyway. Despicable.
"... Blind." That's interesting indeed. He certainly feels no compassion for the man either way.
He holds Hythlodaeus close to him. "I will know that he must be taught he has chosen the wrong enemies. That is all. Put it from your mind." As for the rest of their conversation, well. He doesn't entirely know what to do about Hythlodaeus allowing himself to become an accomplice to murder. For some random woman.
"I firmly believe that it will never be in you to kill. Pray, come to me if ever you are faced with such a decision again. Please ... Let us work it out together."
"And I believe that is still true." Emet-Selch nods. He simply has no idea why this 'friend' of Hythlodaeus' could be so special that she would inspire him to help her with such a thing. But it is selfish to pry at it in such a way, so he keeps it to himself. Hythlodaeus very clearly is suffering from the guilt of it as it is.
His eyebrows furrow. "Which is to say of course I do not think less of you, Hythlodaeus. I am sad for you, but you are far from ruined in my eyes." After all, he kept falling back on useless hopes for Azem after millennia. It would take that much or even longer for him to lose it completely for Hythlodaeus.
"... I am sorry for being unreasonable at times. It's just that you will are and always will be the most important thing in my existence. I cannot help but want to protect everything you are. Fiercely."
"As long as you still believe in me, I will do the same. Thank you, love."
As for being unreasonable, he simply shakes his head.
"I understand. I do not like making you worry... but you must realise that my changing here doesn't have to be a terrible thing. I can come out of this stronger than ever before, if you will only remain by my side."
If Hades ever left him alone, then perhaps he would be a broken man. But he's quite sure that Emet-Selch would never leave him willingly.
He nods a bit, though Hythlodaeus' next words make him frown. "Perhaps you're right. I have just seen so much loss." It's hard for him to believe that anyone changing from their cherished self could be a good thing. Once again his fellow Ascians flash through his mind.
He sighs. "But I will never stray from your side. Never again."
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"Perhaps. Perhaps the question is better phrased differently. Do I still deserve your love?"
He looks up at Hades with a resignation in his eyes that doesn't suit him. As if he expects violent disgust.
"I have known you since we were children, and yet I could not begin to imagine how you would react. So I suppose there is naught to do but to confess, and see for myself."
There's a long pause, long enough that Hades could be forgiven for thinking he'd dropped it.
"A while back, a friend of mine was publicly whipped for the grievous crime of not handing out flowers. I cleaned him up as best as I could... and handed him off to another friend of ours. The next night, she and I... we found the SIN Guard responsible for the whippings. Fuelled by naught more than righteous anger, we took his life."
He looks a little nauseous even recounting it.
"I am an accomplice to murder, and though I did not lay a hand upon him I know the killing could not have happened without my help. She says we did good, that he would have harmed more. I can still see his face, regardless. Just a man... a cowardly, violent man but a man nonetheless."
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"I have loved you for a thousand, thousand years, through the end of the world and then some. Why would that change now?"
He stops though, allowing Hythlodaeus to tell his story. He can clearly read that his oldest friend and lover is bothered by what he did, and yet that cold part of Hades, that grew from eons of trying to repair a broken, ugly world of equally broken souls, fills with anger. Not at Hythlodaeus but at this friend. Who could possibly be so important to Hythlodaeus that he would be drawn to kill?
"You were an accomplice to murder? For something so small?" He holds his tongue from saying for someone so small, but Hythlodaeus knows him well enough that he could potentially infer that. Of course terrible things happened in this city every day, and of course they would like to burn it from the inside out, but why was this what pushed him?
Emet-Selch takes a moment to push his own selfish feelings out of the way. "Of course I still love you. But I never wanted this for you. This is not you, Hythlodaeus."
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"It wasn't small, Hades. You didn't see it. You didn't see the glee on that man's face as he hurt someone. Someone I care for. The injustice of this city gnaws at me, eats away at me every day. That day, it was just... too much."
His voice is small as he finishes, but he can't deny that he's relieved to hear that Emet-Selch still loves him. Even as he's berated for his actions... which he rightfully deserves.
"It isn't me. I know. I was angry, and I have been angry. Goodness, but if it had been you he harmed, I would have killed the man on the spot, with my own hands."
But maybe that isn't so odd. Even without the city weighing on him every day, he thinks his kneejerk reaction would be to defend Emet-Selch every time. Only, he thinks he usually would have resorted to distractions and escaping, not full blown murder.
"I don't know what to do, love."
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He nods, slowly. "You have been angry. And I understand all too well, I simply wish I could help you." He sees it in his lover every day, pushing his own despair down to do anything he can to keep Hythlodaeus from going completely cold. "But it was not me. Who was it...? Who have you come to care for so deeply that you would take a life?"
It's no small thing, extinguishing life. They 'erased' concepts all the time of course, but this is different.
"I don't know that you can do anything, short of confessing. Or turning the actual murderer in." But he highly doubts that's an option on the table, so he continues. "You aren't just suddenly a monster, Hythlodaeus. It's very clear that you feel remorse for it. If you did not, you would be on the same level as the residents of this city."
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He doesn't want Chris to know what Hythlodaeus did for him, because he doesn't want to lose him. And he doesn't want Emet-Selch telling him! It's selfish of him though, and he knows that. He instead considers the options that Emet-Selch offers him.
"She has already been dealt with by the guards for getting caught murdering a second SIN Guard. I wouldn't turn her in anyway. But as she's been caught, I suppose... perhaps I should turn myself in."
Who knows what they'd do to him, as a Submissive. But maybe he'd feel less... incredibly guilty.
"I don't know... I watched a man die, Hades. Saw the life fade from his eyes. I was the last thing he saw. Surely the fact that I've gotten away with it is wrong?"
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Emet-Selch makes note of the fact that Hythlodaeus doesn't tell him who his accomplice was, and that he referred to them as she. It's enough to go off of for now, he'll file it away for later.
"If she has been dealt with, then fine. I will not allow you to turn yourself in." Despite having suggested it, he would never let that kind of thing happen. Having Hythlodaeus harmed is the last thing he wants, and definitely not the solution to any of their problems. "You did not do the killing yourself. That's good." That means there's surely hope for things. "You can find atonement in other ways. I will support you, no matter what."
He frowns slightly, more with concern than anything. "I know that it is not easy. Especially if he had a soul. But you're stronger than I have ever been, I have faith in you."
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"Atone how?"
He buries his face into his lover and breathes him in. He's soothing. He can think better like this.
Pain and humiliation would be the city's go to for punishment. But he realises that he's already faced that, and feels no better for it. Maybe he truly deserved everything Jouno gave him. And... maybe he should tell Hades about it, finally. He's hidden too much from his love, and that can't be the new normal in their relationship.
"There is something else I must speak with you about."
He looks up at Emet-Selch, squeezing his arm.
"I appear to have made an enemy out of another SIN Guard here."
Such words imply there's more to it.
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He brings an arm up to hold Hythlodaeus gently, trying to hide how upset he is about all this revelation... especially once he hears that there's even more to say.
"You what?" He narrows his eyes slightly. "Who? And why ..."
He won't deny he doesn't feel the spike of pain in his chest knowing that Hythlodaeus has been keeping some things to himself, but again he tames it down, focusing purely on his lover.
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"I never got his name. 'Tis something I failed to ask amidst all that happened. I confess, it was all because I was rude to him."
He sighs.
"After the flogging of my friend, I was... angry. So I pushed past a SIN Guard. He gave me a citation after some back and forth... I thought we were done. Alas, we were not."
He meets Emet-Selch's eyes, feeling terrible when he sees the pain in them. But he knows Emet-Selch won't allow him to stop now.
"At the booths for Valentione's Day, I was working there- I was only roped into kissing others, for the most part. The guard came by with a drink and told me I seemed thirsty, and I believed he was remorseful for our altercation. I drank it. It... was spiked. I know- I should have known."
He still fully believes that Jouno did it on purpose.
"Some time later, G'raha and Alphinaud found me inside the booth. He'd cut me and my clothing, humiliated me, beaten me and broken my wrist. He'd used his special device to nullify my powers so that I couldn't even heal myself. I didn't want you to see me in such a state and I was incapable of teleporting anyway, and so... I hid inside the booth."
He couldn't have walked home, not like that.
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"The Scions found you. You—" He stops himself, going over everything in his head, difficult though it is in the moment. "Hythlodaeus tell me truthfully. Do you truly not know his identity, or are you trying to protect me?" He knows he wouldn't be trying to protect this stain upon the earth, but he might try to prevent Emet-Selch from doing anything rash, the way he won't tell him who some of his friends are.
His heart feels heavy and broken as he takes Hythlodaeus' face in his hands. "I ... I am so sorry, Hythlodaeus. I am doing a poor job of protecting you. I can't ... I can't do anything. I am losing you ..." To the anger, to the city, to this place and the meaningless people within ...
They both already know he doesn't want that. He wants Hythlodaeus to remain true, and good, above all else. If he has to stain his hands again and again to accomplish this, he will. He won't watch the man he loves break as so many others have broken on him before. "I told you ... you must not let them win." He doesn't want Hythlodaeus to believe that killing someone is the answer. At the same time, how hypocritical of him that he imagines ripping this SIN guard limb from limb as they speak. "More than that, I cannot let this stand. I will not. They will pay!"
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"I truly do not know his name, this I swear to you."
But seeing that broken look on Emet-Selch's face, he almost wishes he'd kept quiet. He was expecting the anger that follows, but it doesn't seem to bother him in the slightest in comparison to that sadness.
"No, love, do not think that way. I did not tell you for petty revenge. I told you because I don't want to hide anything else from you."
Pulling his lover close, he buries his face into his neck.
"Pray do not look at me so... you are not losing me. I am here, I am doing what I must by telling you the truth. But without you I shall surely be lost, and you cannot be here for me if you do something rash! Do not soil your hands with the likes of him, Hades."
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"There will be nothing petty about this. What's petty is what he did to you."
His anger can probably still be felt, flushing through his veins even as he takes Hythlodaeus into his arms. "I do not want you to hide things from me either. I have never wanted that." And it does hurt to know that Hythlodaeus has done it. In fairness, it's not like he can completely explain all 12,000 years of his existence while Hythlodaeus was a part of Zodiark, either. But still. He would if he could.
"I can't help but feel that I am. I despise this place, and I despise every person who dares try and take you from me." He answers quietly, sadly. "I cannot simply fold my hands behind my back, Hythlodaeus! If nothing is done, this guard will believe he has free reign to do whatever he likes, whenever he likes."
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"He was brought here the same as us. Killing him is useless- he would return and seek revenge. Whether that revenge would be isolated to you, or the people you care for, I cannot say. What if he finds out we're contracted? What if he finds out how close we are to Hermes?"
He's possibly giving Jouno too much credit here, but he's also just trying to keep Emet-Selch from perpetuating the cycle.
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He looks at Hythlodaeus, shaking his head. “We need not lie back and do nothing all the time. Let me do this. Let me protect you the way I know I can.” He leans forward, closing his eyes as he rests his head against Hythlodaeus’.
“My conscience will remain clear.”
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"...He is blind, the one who harmed me. I spoke true when I said I did not know his name, but there aren't many blind SIN Guards, I'm sure. His hair is white, tipped with red."
Hythlodaeus presses a kiss to Emet-Selch's forehead.
"I'm not going to send you after him like an attack dog. I still pray you do not seek him out. But if you see him, you will know him. And you will know to be wary."
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"... Blind." That's interesting indeed. He certainly feels no compassion for the man either way.
He holds Hythlodaeus close to him. "I will know that he must be taught he has chosen the wrong enemies. That is all. Put it from your mind." As for the rest of their conversation, well. He doesn't entirely know what to do about Hythlodaeus allowing himself to become an accomplice to murder. For some random woman.
"I firmly believe that it will never be in you to kill. Pray, come to me if ever you are faced with such a decision again. Please ... Let us work it out together."
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He smiles awkwardly.
"I have felt naught but intense guilt since that night. I simply do not have it in me to do it."
Still, perhaps that should be a point of pride. To know that he hasn't lost himself entirely yet.
"You think no less of me, do you? For what I have done? I would deserve it, but... I want to know that I am not tainted now, in your eyes."
What would he do if he was? He doesn't know.
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His eyebrows furrow. "Which is to say of course I do not think less of you, Hythlodaeus. I am sad for you, but you are far from ruined in my eyes." After all, he kept falling back on useless hopes for Azem after millennia. It would take that much or even longer for him to lose it completely for Hythlodaeus.
"... I am sorry for being unreasonable at times. It's just that you will are and always will be the most important thing in my existence. I cannot help but want to protect everything you are. Fiercely."
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As for being unreasonable, he simply shakes his head.
"I understand. I do not like making you worry... but you must realise that my changing here doesn't have to be a terrible thing. I can come out of this stronger than ever before, if you will only remain by my side."
If Hades ever left him alone, then perhaps he would be a broken man. But he's quite sure that Emet-Selch would never leave him willingly.
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He nods a bit, though Hythlodaeus' next words make him frown. "Perhaps you're right. I have just seen so much loss." It's hard for him to believe that anyone changing from their cherished self could be a good thing. Once again his fellow Ascians flash through his mind.
He sighs. "But I will never stray from your side. Never again."